I’ve taken breaks from writing in the past but never for this long. I’d say there is a good reason but really it’s just life in general. It’s busy. And messy. And before you know it it’s been two years since I’ve written in my journal. 

Believe it or not, writing has always been one of my most important creative outlets. It gets me thinking and feeling outside of myself and is an intricate part in my growth as a person, not to mention, the only way I know how to express myself in a way that makes sense. 

Creativity is a funny thing. It is both an unbelievable gift and the bane of my existence. I find it inescapable and sometimes, suffocating. Constant ideas, dreams, nonstop cultivating and the deep feelings that come with anything that you are passionate about. And if nothing else, I am passionate- intense, deeply empathetic and expressive and sometimes it can be a lonely place to be. It sounds like a fortunate state even as I’m writing it.

What a gift it is to be able to see the possibilities and the potential in everything and everyone. But like with anything else, there is a flip side. The constant need to do better, to do more, to take advantage of every opportunity possible- to constantly feel like you have more to give if only you had more time, energy and resources. When honestly, sometimes you just don’t. You’re exhausted- not just physically but mentally. Because if you live your art all.the.time. something else has to give. 

And that brings me to hats…We all wear a lot of them- juggling what we can and occasionally dropping one (or many). The hard part for me, as a very passionate person, is knowing which hat is okay to drop. And if one does drop, to pick it up or not. 

I want to do everything 100% - family, work, design, hobbies, friends, parenting- my hats are constantly dropping- throw in anything else, like loss and everything falls. And there you are with a pile of hats and you are completely paralyzed. Two years ago, I found myself in just that situation- my life changed instantly and profoundly. My mother-n-law, Roxanne passed away unexpectedly in an accident. No one to blame, no reason, other than it was just her time to go. She was there and then she just wasn’t.

Roxanne's presence in my life as well as my family’s life was incredible. Not only because she was the fiercest person I had ever met- fiercely spiritual, fiercely optimistic, fiercely kind- but because she was helping me as I attempted to juggle more and more hats. Throughout so many ups and downs, highs and lows, self-doubt and spiritual confusion- she was the voice of reason, of empathy and of calm. And then one day, everything was just quiet and there was where to go with it all- just a sudden emptiness. 

We have all experienced grief throughout our lives- it's part of the beautiful reality of life- grief means you’ve lived. But with Roxanne- I was shook to my core. I didn’t even realize the extent of the loss until time passed and I had no where to put all of my questions, my feelings, my crazy. With one sentence, she could make me feel okay- not because she fixed anything or gave me the best advice but because she always met me right where I was at and embraced my messiness. It was her gift to everyone she met. She would listen and support and love and I was better for it every-time. 

This may seem like I’ve gone off on an unrelated tangent but, for me, it’s all intrinsically connected. I’ve been detached from people and things I love, my passion has changed forms and my entire life looks different.

Slowly, over the past year, I’ve been trying to pick up my hats and sometimes I can hang onto them but sometimes I just can’t. Writing is a hat I’ve been wanting to pick up for some time but every time I tried, I just couldn’t. Writing makes me feel and process and look at reality in a new way and it can be painful and scary and exhausting sometimes.

There will always be times in our lives that the only thing we can do is move forward by focusing only on function- going through the motions, one day at a time. We don’t have the energy for anything else, anything extra and then one day, we wake up in our own pile of hats and we need to start picking them back up one.by.one. even if they look different. So here I am. 

What does any of this mean in regards to this page and my business, Minnesota Rust? Great question and here’s the simple answer…I don’t know yet. However, here’s what I do know…I do know I’m ready invest more of my time and energy back into creating. I’m ready to push- to feel- to do what I am passionate about. 

This journal is not all rainbows and butterflies but it is somewhere for everything in between. Many times, it is so easy to look at someone’s life from the outside and think “I wish I had their life.” “Everything is so easy for them.” They have their shit together.” I am here to tell you right from the get-go, I am not that person and this is not that journal. I am flawed and broken, unorganized and crazy most of the time, but most importantly, I am hopeful and I think that in itself if a message to be shared.

My business has and will always be about community and shared experiences and I want to continue to do that; whether it’s through my store, The Shoppes of McIntosh, special events, my website or even design projects- my goal has always been to bring people together. So I will do my best (I've been saying that a lot recently) to try and stay consistent with writing and communicating and being present wherever that may be.

Until next time,  I hope this finds you well,

Andrea